Viral

"I postpone death by living, by suffering, by error, by risking, by giving, by losing."
-Anais Nin

Where to start? First of all, I'm as sick as I've ever been. I have literally consumed one entire bottle of NyQuil in the last day and I'm thankful to the friend that has brought me another. I can't hear, I can't speak, I can't think and I can't focus on anything. I've actually been watching television! It's the only thing that doesn't require an effort on my part. I started feeling a little ill Thursday evening, but had a meeting after work that I couldn't miss. That lasted several hours. After, I, well...I can't discuss it. Something very strange happened, it's almost as if I summoned something monstrous into my life. Perhaps later when my head is not full of confusion from congestion and the strangeness...

I know I make no sense at the moment. I can't THINK.

To A - My most genuine wish for you is that next time you'll be willing to take a few more chances, to abandon logic for the promise of something larger than life. We are so much alike - for all the perceived self-actualization, there is a fear that is impenetrable. At least that's my hope, because the alternative is oh-so-unsightly.

I recently admitted to someone that the thing I hated most about myself was my tenacity...my unwillingess to scream "Uncle" long after the proverbial fat-lady had sung herself into a glass-breaking coma. I'm too spent to continue being this woman. I cannot continue to be the woman that does chest compressions until every rib has snapped and I threaten to pound myself into cardiac arrest. I need to learn that sometimes the risks of involvement are worse than the risks of walking away.