"The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers." - M Scott Peck
I have missed writing so much. December has been an impossibly busy month for me. During my last post, I was as sick as I've ever been with a cold and spent 4 days in bed. Immediately after that, the festivities started - there was my Daughter's birthday, Christmas parties, Christmas shoppping, dance recitals (where they sang "Happy Birthday" to Jesus and I wanted to gouge my own eyes out), light viewing, parents, and all sorts of things for the children. I spent lots of time with my ex-husband - we still try to make the holidays "normal" for the kids. In between it all, I still managed to reconnect with two old friends that I hadn't seen in 10 and 20 years respectively, to manage a social life, to assist my ex-lover through a crisis, gather up all sorts of paperwork to try and purchase a home for my kids for Christmas and to work as much overtime as humanly possible. Viewing the list this way makes me realize that it't not at all surprising that I find myself sick (again or still, I can't be sure). This time, I got antibiotics and I think I'll actually be ready for a little fun tonight. I have much to celebrate.
2008 has been a challenging year for me. I'm very ready to say good-bye to it. But, as I reflect back, I'm stronger and smarter and have a much clearer vision for my future. More importantly, I'm optimistic about that future and I'm eager to start living it. I made some good choices, some "eh" choices and some flat out stupid choices. I've learned from them all.
I could write for hours about it all - but there's really not much point in continuing to dwell on the past - the important thing is to consider what I've learned as I go forward.
In early January, I will turn 36 years old. A week later, they will pour the slab on my new house (yes, I got it!). In April, my favorite time of year, I'll move into a home that has countertops that I've selected, flooring that I've selected, rooms for my children that I can paint to suit their whims and a backyard for them to play in. This is so huge for me.
No one gave me this, I worked for it. If you would have told me at this time last year that I'd be here today, I would have either laughed at you or cried with you. I'm so proud that I'm able to provide this for them. I'm a single mother of two young children and I'm buying them a home. Not just any home - but a really nice house, in a nice neighborhood wtih good schools and safety and the stability that everyone tells me is so critical for children. I see it all now. They don't even know and I can't wait to tell them.
Last night, I curled up on the couch with home magazines and looked at pictures, trying to envision what I want and how it will be and it is both exciting and terrifying.
My personal goals for the new year are simple - to be open. To realize that I am in control of my life and that I can make choices that are good for me. It's all an experience, it can all be a joyous experience. As I look forward to the future, I feel more in control of my life than I have in years, I feel more secure in myself than I have in years.
Good-bye 2008. I'll reflect back on it as a year of unbelievable growth and change.
To 2009, I say simply, "Cheers".
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
Thursday, December 11, 2008
Reflection
"I'm in a period of growth and expansion. I'm taking long, hard looks at the world and what's happening in it, analyzing and thinking. I'm trying to become acquainted with the universe -- with the part of it I occupy -- and trying to settle, for myself, what my relationship with it is." - Gene Roddenberry
My thoughts, this time last year(December 29, to be exact), were as follows:
There are periods in a life where one's life changes. Really changes. It's never as noticable as when the change occurs seemingly in the blink of an eye. I will never see life through the same eyes that I once did - as change occurs your viewpoint changes. I've spent time trying to make sense out of why things occur when they do, or why they did not occur sooner. Of course, that line of thinking is completely irrelevant. The reality is that my perspective changed a very long time ago, my consciousness is just now catching up. Something tells me it will be a bit longer before construction is complete on that bridge.
It has been so easy to deny myriad realities about myself. It's time to confess, if only to myself. Living the nomadic life that I did, my life was impossibly easy. Every time life got hard, a new move was right around the corner and with that move, I could leave the old worries behind and simply reinvent myself. I was never forced to actually deal with the arrows that were thrown at me, or the ones I threw. Such a lucky girl.
Now I find myself in a situation where I can't pack up and go (and believe me, it's time). I would love to flee this city, this life and start over somewhere new, reinventing and creating the woman that I wish to be. I can become her, but I can't do it as effortlessly as I've been able to in the past - not only will my actions be noticed now, they will be scrutinized. So it will be a slow change, moreover, it will require a tremendous amount of effort on my part. I can't pretend - I actually have to become.
I have always had a keen awareness of the world around me, and often, I've paid the price for that awareness. Teachers were none-too-pleased when I'd correct their incorrectly spelled words on the chalkboard. My parents never loved when I pointed out their hypocrisy. To have that sort of awareness turned on me forced me to tune out. I've taught myself how to be unaware - it was the only way to live in a marriage where I was so mercilessly and constantly scrutinized. I have to recall that awareness - and focus it inwards.
Fortunately, I am lucky. I have always been lucky and luck will always be on my side. I'm not sure why, but it's a fact. As a child, I used to walk by a clover patch, look down, and instantly pluck a four-leafed clover out of the cluster. It became a joke amongst my family, but more importantly, it became an expectation for me.
I cannot believe that I brought this man into my life. What was I thinking? Part of me thinks that I needed him to force me to leave a situation that became unbearable - that I met him when I did for a very specific reason. At the moment, I simply cannot afford to have him in my life. I see him in black and white, a photo negative. I have to force myself to walk away. Ironically, none of this is about him and it has never been about him.
It's an issue of self-worth. I saw myself as worthless for many years in my marriage. To discover that a man so remarkable found me worth more was heartening and flattering and tremendously revitalizing. But now that we've gotten what we needed from each other, it is time to say good-bye and to realize that the sense of worthlessness was only imposed on me in so much as I allowed it to be. It's a fact that I was told things about myself that were untrue - and I heard them for so long that I began to believe them to be true. It's time to shake that tree.
Self-image is the universal mediator of reality. As I look forward to 2008, I seek to define myself anew. As the woman I am, as the woman I intend to be. Self-awareness, self-worth, self-love. Those are the only avenues by which I will be able to grow and to accept the sort of love that I need. Only once those goals have been accomplished will I have the resources with which to love another as deeply as I intend.
My thoughts, this time last year(December 29, to be exact), were as follows:
There are periods in a life where one's life changes. Really changes. It's never as noticable as when the change occurs seemingly in the blink of an eye. I will never see life through the same eyes that I once did - as change occurs your viewpoint changes. I've spent time trying to make sense out of why things occur when they do, or why they did not occur sooner. Of course, that line of thinking is completely irrelevant. The reality is that my perspective changed a very long time ago, my consciousness is just now catching up. Something tells me it will be a bit longer before construction is complete on that bridge.
It has been so easy to deny myriad realities about myself. It's time to confess, if only to myself. Living the nomadic life that I did, my life was impossibly easy. Every time life got hard, a new move was right around the corner and with that move, I could leave the old worries behind and simply reinvent myself. I was never forced to actually deal with the arrows that were thrown at me, or the ones I threw. Such a lucky girl.
Now I find myself in a situation where I can't pack up and go (and believe me, it's time). I would love to flee this city, this life and start over somewhere new, reinventing and creating the woman that I wish to be. I can become her, but I can't do it as effortlessly as I've been able to in the past - not only will my actions be noticed now, they will be scrutinized. So it will be a slow change, moreover, it will require a tremendous amount of effort on my part. I can't pretend - I actually have to become.
I have always had a keen awareness of the world around me, and often, I've paid the price for that awareness. Teachers were none-too-pleased when I'd correct their incorrectly spelled words on the chalkboard. My parents never loved when I pointed out their hypocrisy. To have that sort of awareness turned on me forced me to tune out. I've taught myself how to be unaware - it was the only way to live in a marriage where I was so mercilessly and constantly scrutinized. I have to recall that awareness - and focus it inwards.
Fortunately, I am lucky. I have always been lucky and luck will always be on my side. I'm not sure why, but it's a fact. As a child, I used to walk by a clover patch, look down, and instantly pluck a four-leafed clover out of the cluster. It became a joke amongst my family, but more importantly, it became an expectation for me.
I cannot believe that I brought this man into my life. What was I thinking? Part of me thinks that I needed him to force me to leave a situation that became unbearable - that I met him when I did for a very specific reason. At the moment, I simply cannot afford to have him in my life. I see him in black and white, a photo negative. I have to force myself to walk away. Ironically, none of this is about him and it has never been about him.
It's an issue of self-worth. I saw myself as worthless for many years in my marriage. To discover that a man so remarkable found me worth more was heartening and flattering and tremendously revitalizing. But now that we've gotten what we needed from each other, it is time to say good-bye and to realize that the sense of worthlessness was only imposed on me in so much as I allowed it to be. It's a fact that I was told things about myself that were untrue - and I heard them for so long that I began to believe them to be true. It's time to shake that tree.
Self-image is the universal mediator of reality. As I look forward to 2008, I seek to define myself anew. As the woman I am, as the woman I intend to be. Self-awareness, self-worth, self-love. Those are the only avenues by which I will be able to grow and to accept the sort of love that I need. Only once those goals have been accomplished will I have the resources with which to love another as deeply as I intend.
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
Mirror
"The individual (no matter how well-meaning he might be, no matter how much strength he might have, if only he would use it) does not have the passion to rip himself away from either the coils of Reflection or the seductive ambiguities of Reflection; nor do the surroundings and times have any events or passions, but rather provide a negative setting of a habit of reflection, which plays with some illusory project only to betray him in the end with a way out: it shows him that the most clever thing to do is nothing at all." -Soren Kierkegaard
As the end of the years nears, I plan to spend some time reflecting over the past year, the goals that I laid forth for myself at the end of last year and where I've succeeded and where I've fallen short and to establish some new goals for the upcoming year. At the end of last year, I wrote myself a note. I'll dig that out for the next post, but for now, I need to think about where I was this time last year - simply the events that transpired, with as little commentary as possible (ha!).
From a career standpoint, not much has changed - same place, same time, same gig. That's good - I never intended nor hoped that aspect of life would change at all.
I was preparing for my first Christmas as a single woman, after 13 years of joint holidays. I had to spend so much money - tree, ornaments, stockings - all of it. I was freaking out about how to pay for it all, just kept whipping out the plastic trusting that it would all work out, refusing to allow my newly-single status to effect my children over the holiday. No, that's wrong - to minimize the effect.
I attended wonderful holiday parties and was having a ton of fun.
I sat at my daughter's birthday party - with my family, with my exes family, with my ex who was feeding the family presence with the "attentive husband" role he loved to play in public, with all of our friends who still wanted to see us together, her school friends parents - it was agonizing.
I watched my sullen daughter blossom that day - reveling in being the star, enjoying the attention the party provided her and knew that her life had changed. It certainly did. She has continued to blossom into a charming (albeit strong-willed) and engaging child.
My ex-husband (to whom I was still legally married) was clingy and needy and insisted on having the children for Christmas. I gave in, unwilling to fight and knowing that I'd want them more the following year. So, I worked for much of the holiday. I was sick (it's a theme for me this time of year, apparently) and spent the night on his couch Christmas Eve, while he begged me (snotty nose and all) to sleep in his bed. The thought was as repulsive to me then as it was 6 months earlier when I had left him. The thought would have been equally repulsive to him had he known my secret, and as he begged and pleaded, I toyed with the idea of telling him, just to wound him as much as he had wounded me over the years.
I spent New Year's Eve at home, on call. I did a great deal of writing. I made plans for the following year.
On New Year's Day, I went for a long, long walk on the Greenbelt - alone with my thoughts. What I remember most is the optimism I felt. I knew that the worst was behind me, that I had already done the hard work, paid the price and fought the fight. The future would be easy.
Ah, optimism.
As the end of the years nears, I plan to spend some time reflecting over the past year, the goals that I laid forth for myself at the end of last year and where I've succeeded and where I've fallen short and to establish some new goals for the upcoming year. At the end of last year, I wrote myself a note. I'll dig that out for the next post, but for now, I need to think about where I was this time last year - simply the events that transpired, with as little commentary as possible (ha!).
From a career standpoint, not much has changed - same place, same time, same gig. That's good - I never intended nor hoped that aspect of life would change at all.
I was preparing for my first Christmas as a single woman, after 13 years of joint holidays. I had to spend so much money - tree, ornaments, stockings - all of it. I was freaking out about how to pay for it all, just kept whipping out the plastic trusting that it would all work out, refusing to allow my newly-single status to effect my children over the holiday. No, that's wrong - to minimize the effect.
I attended wonderful holiday parties and was having a ton of fun.
I sat at my daughter's birthday party - with my family, with my exes family, with my ex who was feeding the family presence with the "attentive husband" role he loved to play in public, with all of our friends who still wanted to see us together, her school friends parents - it was agonizing.
I watched my sullen daughter blossom that day - reveling in being the star, enjoying the attention the party provided her and knew that her life had changed. It certainly did. She has continued to blossom into a charming (albeit strong-willed) and engaging child.
My ex-husband (to whom I was still legally married) was clingy and needy and insisted on having the children for Christmas. I gave in, unwilling to fight and knowing that I'd want them more the following year. So, I worked for much of the holiday. I was sick (it's a theme for me this time of year, apparently) and spent the night on his couch Christmas Eve, while he begged me (snotty nose and all) to sleep in his bed. The thought was as repulsive to me then as it was 6 months earlier when I had left him. The thought would have been equally repulsive to him had he known my secret, and as he begged and pleaded, I toyed with the idea of telling him, just to wound him as much as he had wounded me over the years.
I spent New Year's Eve at home, on call. I did a great deal of writing. I made plans for the following year.
On New Year's Day, I went for a long, long walk on the Greenbelt - alone with my thoughts. What I remember most is the optimism I felt. I knew that the worst was behind me, that I had already done the hard work, paid the price and fought the fight. The future would be easy.
Ah, optimism.
Monday, December 8, 2008
Bitchslap
"Actual happiness looks pretty squalid in comparison with the overcompensations for misery. And, of course, stability isn’t nearly so spectacular as instability. And being contented has none of the glamour of a good fight against misfortune, none of the picturesqueness of a struggle with temptation, or a fatal overthrow by passion or doubt. Happiness is never grand."
-Aldous Huxley
I've not written a post this long specifically for another person before, but my best friend is hurting and I need to address her. I suppose you're wondering why I didn't just email her or call her. Well, I can't talk because I'm still sick. And rather than send this email to her privately, I thought I'd share it somewhere where I could refer to it when I needed it. I surely will need to heed my own words soon enough. So, my dear....here's the reply to your blog, it's my verbal bitchslap to you. ;-)
There is an expression that says, "You can't go home again." Of course, it's not true - but it's not untrue either. You CAN go home again, but you don't go to the same home. You expect to go to the home you left (and when you visit, it very much feels that way) but you return a different person - changed from your experience, changed from your life. In your absence, life had changed at home too - so while some things never change, other things do - in ways that are so small as to seem invisible at first, but once you move back in, into your old roles, your old ways, you notice the changes. Some good, some bad. The way you respond to those changes has changed too - sometimes good, sometimes bad.
It is what it is - it's life. Time sweeps everything along.
You say you have a hard time remaining true to yourself. You are so very wrong. More than anyone I've EVER known - you remain true to yourself. The problem is in your expectations. Manage your expectations and you'll manage the outcome.
I'll never tell you that seeking the next best thing - the bigger, brighter star - is wrong, because you know as well as I do that we are the same woman in that regard. I don't think either of us have unrealistic expectations about the future, but I do think that it's fundamentally human to want more than what you currently have, to aspire to greater things - the alternative is to aspire to nothing, to be content with the status quo - and that, my dear, is a concession of failure. It's an acceptance of routine, and there is nothing acceptable about that.
So, manage your expectations. Acknowledge that is who you are and accept that. It's OK. Yes, I am envious of those who we know who are happy with the routines in life, because it's a simple and easy existence. But I also look at them and think, "Are you fucking kidding me? Are you seriously happy?" I couldn't even wait for an answer before I'd scream, "What the hell is wrong with you. Don't you have goals and dreams and aspirations?" I know I'm contradicting myself again, but you know what I mean....Yes, I'd love to be a bit more settled, but not THAT settled. Not settled to the point where it felt like I could die and not miss a thing.
In your blog you refer having once had the perfect life, the bright and shiny. Think back and remember - you didn't. Everything that was bright and shiny about it was your own creation. Your pretense, put on for the benefit of everyone else. That's when you weren't true to yourself. That's when you lied. That's why you couldn't paint. It wasn't the perfection that you are again telling yourself it was - it was the opposite. Why are you telling yourself this?
Fuck him and his new happy life. You already know exactly what that looks like. You HAD it and it wasn't good enough. It will be for him, and that's because he doesn't have the dreams and the goals and the aspirations that you do. It's OK...it's good for him to have what he wants - you are genuinely free now. You share only one thing with him now, and not for much longer. A few more years and he'll be nothing but a distant memory - a shadow sitting on your sofa playing video games. Let it go, wish him well, and say good-bye to him. Embrace the new freedom that his new life has given you - it's a real and rare gift, you just need to frame it that way in your mind.
Now, onto your identity crisis...your blend of cultures and existences is something that you feel is confusing and that other people can't relate to. That's true. Other people can't relate. But you have this expectation that no one is interested in learning about it, and that's wrong. It *IS* you. It's unusual, it's not typical - but those aspects are all part of what make you uniquely you. It's what gives your art the depth that it carries, it's what makes you different and special.
Instead of trying to deny it, or to make sense of it, just accept that you're a blend of different cultures and experiences - some wonderful, some a bit odd - and it's all part of the great big blend of amazing things that make you - you! Instead of thinking of it as something that separates you from everyone else, think of it as opportunities to educate everyone else. Very few people are as fortunate as you are to have so many cultures and experiences housed in one pretty shell - share it. Don't be afraid of it, live in it. It gives you so much more to share with so many more people. There's a world out there that you can relate to in ways that others simply can't.
Now, onto your air-chasing crisis. I think it's funny that your sister said you would never find what you are looking for here. Maybe she is right, maybe she is wrong. It's easy for her to say - look at where she's sitting. Does she want the same "happiness" for you that she has found? It would drown you in 20 minutes. Sometimes I think you feel guilty for having such a good life here, for being so far away - and that the guilt prevents you from allowing yourself to feel content here because you feel like everyone would be better off if you were home. That's a mistake. You can't fix their problems - not from across an ocean and not from the same city.
I agree with one thing, you won't find what you seek right now. But it's not because of your location or because of your culture or because of, well, anything but you. Until you dive into your life genuinely and wholly with both feet, until you're willing to be vulnerable and open to new people, until you're willing to give something of yourself to another - you won't find what you seek ANYWHERE.
You keep telling yourself that the grass is greener somewhere else. Maybe. But I think you're using that as an excuse to prevent you from being open and fully present here. I think it's a safety net that you hang onto. Let it go. There's no safety in shutting yourself off from experience.
Who am I to tell you this? Well, I'm your best friend. But, more than that, we live parallel lives. I recognize it because it's what this whole blog is about. We met when we met for a reason, and that reason is more clear to me at this moment than it's ever been. We met to share this crazy experience - for as long as we share it. We are here to slap a bit of reality into the other when the situation demands it, and now it's my turn to slap you.
It's not a big, bad scary world out to get you. You're not some fucked-up loser that can't manage her own life. You're not sentenced to a life of solitude because you're incapable of loving and being loved.
It can be a confusing world - to those who think and feel. You manage your life in a beautiful way - you do good work in all regards - at work, at home and in your art. You are capable of giving and receiving love, but you won't do it again for someone who is unworthy of all that you have to offer. That's all good.
Think over all the good things that have happened over the last year to you - it's been an amazing ride. You're learning and growing every day. You can't expect it to happen immediately and you wouldn't want it if you didn't have to fight for it anyway. Together, we've traveled amazing distances over the last year - and we're going to welcome in the next one with even better expectations, even bigger goals and secure in the knowledge that we will both achieve all that we want - because we won't quit until we do.
Be kinder to yourself. Trust that you have time to achieve all that you aspire to. Expect that it will come, and it will. Most of all remember how many people love you - for all that you are, and all that you are not. Patience, love.
All these questions, all these big thoughts...it's because you're going home. It happens to you every time you've been back since I've known you - not a depression, a conundrum. Because you miss the comforts of home, your family but you also love the life you have created all by yourself here.
The answers will come to you, I promise. In the meantime, just accept it all as part of you - because it is, and it's wonderful. I love you! :-)
-Aldous Huxley
I've not written a post this long specifically for another person before, but my best friend is hurting and I need to address her. I suppose you're wondering why I didn't just email her or call her. Well, I can't talk because I'm still sick. And rather than send this email to her privately, I thought I'd share it somewhere where I could refer to it when I needed it. I surely will need to heed my own words soon enough. So, my dear....here's the reply to your blog, it's my verbal bitchslap to you. ;-)
There is an expression that says, "You can't go home again." Of course, it's not true - but it's not untrue either. You CAN go home again, but you don't go to the same home. You expect to go to the home you left (and when you visit, it very much feels that way) but you return a different person - changed from your experience, changed from your life. In your absence, life had changed at home too - so while some things never change, other things do - in ways that are so small as to seem invisible at first, but once you move back in, into your old roles, your old ways, you notice the changes. Some good, some bad. The way you respond to those changes has changed too - sometimes good, sometimes bad.
It is what it is - it's life. Time sweeps everything along.
You say you have a hard time remaining true to yourself. You are so very wrong. More than anyone I've EVER known - you remain true to yourself. The problem is in your expectations. Manage your expectations and you'll manage the outcome.
I'll never tell you that seeking the next best thing - the bigger, brighter star - is wrong, because you know as well as I do that we are the same woman in that regard. I don't think either of us have unrealistic expectations about the future, but I do think that it's fundamentally human to want more than what you currently have, to aspire to greater things - the alternative is to aspire to nothing, to be content with the status quo - and that, my dear, is a concession of failure. It's an acceptance of routine, and there is nothing acceptable about that.
So, manage your expectations. Acknowledge that is who you are and accept that. It's OK. Yes, I am envious of those who we know who are happy with the routines in life, because it's a simple and easy existence. But I also look at them and think, "Are you fucking kidding me? Are you seriously happy?" I couldn't even wait for an answer before I'd scream, "What the hell is wrong with you. Don't you have goals and dreams and aspirations?" I know I'm contradicting myself again, but you know what I mean....Yes, I'd love to be a bit more settled, but not THAT settled. Not settled to the point where it felt like I could die and not miss a thing.
In your blog you refer having once had the perfect life, the bright and shiny. Think back and remember - you didn't. Everything that was bright and shiny about it was your own creation. Your pretense, put on for the benefit of everyone else. That's when you weren't true to yourself. That's when you lied. That's why you couldn't paint. It wasn't the perfection that you are again telling yourself it was - it was the opposite. Why are you telling yourself this?
Fuck him and his new happy life. You already know exactly what that looks like. You HAD it and it wasn't good enough. It will be for him, and that's because he doesn't have the dreams and the goals and the aspirations that you do. It's OK...it's good for him to have what he wants - you are genuinely free now. You share only one thing with him now, and not for much longer. A few more years and he'll be nothing but a distant memory - a shadow sitting on your sofa playing video games. Let it go, wish him well, and say good-bye to him. Embrace the new freedom that his new life has given you - it's a real and rare gift, you just need to frame it that way in your mind.
Now, onto your identity crisis...your blend of cultures and existences is something that you feel is confusing and that other people can't relate to. That's true. Other people can't relate. But you have this expectation that no one is interested in learning about it, and that's wrong. It *IS* you. It's unusual, it's not typical - but those aspects are all part of what make you uniquely you. It's what gives your art the depth that it carries, it's what makes you different and special.
Instead of trying to deny it, or to make sense of it, just accept that you're a blend of different cultures and experiences - some wonderful, some a bit odd - and it's all part of the great big blend of amazing things that make you - you! Instead of thinking of it as something that separates you from everyone else, think of it as opportunities to educate everyone else. Very few people are as fortunate as you are to have so many cultures and experiences housed in one pretty shell - share it. Don't be afraid of it, live in it. It gives you so much more to share with so many more people. There's a world out there that you can relate to in ways that others simply can't.
Now, onto your air-chasing crisis. I think it's funny that your sister said you would never find what you are looking for here. Maybe she is right, maybe she is wrong. It's easy for her to say - look at where she's sitting. Does she want the same "happiness" for you that she has found? It would drown you in 20 minutes. Sometimes I think you feel guilty for having such a good life here, for being so far away - and that the guilt prevents you from allowing yourself to feel content here because you feel like everyone would be better off if you were home. That's a mistake. You can't fix their problems - not from across an ocean and not from the same city.
I agree with one thing, you won't find what you seek right now. But it's not because of your location or because of your culture or because of, well, anything but you. Until you dive into your life genuinely and wholly with both feet, until you're willing to be vulnerable and open to new people, until you're willing to give something of yourself to another - you won't find what you seek ANYWHERE.
You keep telling yourself that the grass is greener somewhere else. Maybe. But I think you're using that as an excuse to prevent you from being open and fully present here. I think it's a safety net that you hang onto. Let it go. There's no safety in shutting yourself off from experience.
Who am I to tell you this? Well, I'm your best friend. But, more than that, we live parallel lives. I recognize it because it's what this whole blog is about. We met when we met for a reason, and that reason is more clear to me at this moment than it's ever been. We met to share this crazy experience - for as long as we share it. We are here to slap a bit of reality into the other when the situation demands it, and now it's my turn to slap you.
It's not a big, bad scary world out to get you. You're not some fucked-up loser that can't manage her own life. You're not sentenced to a life of solitude because you're incapable of loving and being loved.
It can be a confusing world - to those who think and feel. You manage your life in a beautiful way - you do good work in all regards - at work, at home and in your art. You are capable of giving and receiving love, but you won't do it again for someone who is unworthy of all that you have to offer. That's all good.
Think over all the good things that have happened over the last year to you - it's been an amazing ride. You're learning and growing every day. You can't expect it to happen immediately and you wouldn't want it if you didn't have to fight for it anyway. Together, we've traveled amazing distances over the last year - and we're going to welcome in the next one with even better expectations, even bigger goals and secure in the knowledge that we will both achieve all that we want - because we won't quit until we do.
Be kinder to yourself. Trust that you have time to achieve all that you aspire to. Expect that it will come, and it will. Most of all remember how many people love you - for all that you are, and all that you are not. Patience, love.
All these questions, all these big thoughts...it's because you're going home. It happens to you every time you've been back since I've known you - not a depression, a conundrum. Because you miss the comforts of home, your family but you also love the life you have created all by yourself here.
The answers will come to you, I promise. In the meantime, just accept it all as part of you - because it is, and it's wonderful. I love you! :-)
Sunday, December 7, 2008
Viral
"I postpone death by living, by suffering, by error, by risking, by giving, by losing."
-Anais Nin
Where to start? First of all, I'm as sick as I've ever been. I have literally consumed one entire bottle of NyQuil in the last day and I'm thankful to the friend that has brought me another. I can't hear, I can't speak, I can't think and I can't focus on anything. I've actually been watching television! It's the only thing that doesn't require an effort on my part. I started feeling a little ill Thursday evening, but had a meeting after work that I couldn't miss. That lasted several hours. After, I, well...I can't discuss it. Something very strange happened, it's almost as if I summoned something monstrous into my life. Perhaps later when my head is not full of confusion from congestion and the strangeness...
I know I make no sense at the moment. I can't THINK.
To A - My most genuine wish for you is that next time you'll be willing to take a few more chances, to abandon logic for the promise of something larger than life. We are so much alike - for all the perceived self-actualization, there is a fear that is impenetrable. At least that's my hope, because the alternative is oh-so-unsightly.
I recently admitted to someone that the thing I hated most about myself was my tenacity...my unwillingess to scream "Uncle" long after the proverbial fat-lady had sung herself into a glass-breaking coma. I'm too spent to continue being this woman. I cannot continue to be the woman that does chest compressions until every rib has snapped and I threaten to pound myself into cardiac arrest. I need to learn that sometimes the risks of involvement are worse than the risks of walking away.
-Anais Nin
Where to start? First of all, I'm as sick as I've ever been. I have literally consumed one entire bottle of NyQuil in the last day and I'm thankful to the friend that has brought me another. I can't hear, I can't speak, I can't think and I can't focus on anything. I've actually been watching television! It's the only thing that doesn't require an effort on my part. I started feeling a little ill Thursday evening, but had a meeting after work that I couldn't miss. That lasted several hours. After, I, well...I can't discuss it. Something very strange happened, it's almost as if I summoned something monstrous into my life. Perhaps later when my head is not full of confusion from congestion and the strangeness...
I know I make no sense at the moment. I can't THINK.
To A - My most genuine wish for you is that next time you'll be willing to take a few more chances, to abandon logic for the promise of something larger than life. We are so much alike - for all the perceived self-actualization, there is a fear that is impenetrable. At least that's my hope, because the alternative is oh-so-unsightly.
I recently admitted to someone that the thing I hated most about myself was my tenacity...my unwillingess to scream "Uncle" long after the proverbial fat-lady had sung herself into a glass-breaking coma. I'm too spent to continue being this woman. I cannot continue to be the woman that does chest compressions until every rib has snapped and I threaten to pound myself into cardiac arrest. I need to learn that sometimes the risks of involvement are worse than the risks of walking away.
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