Bitchslap

"Actual happiness looks pretty squalid in comparison with the overcompensations for misery. And, of course, stability isn’t nearly so spectacular as instability. And being contented has none of the glamour of a good fight against misfortune, none of the picturesqueness of a struggle with temptation, or a fatal overthrow by passion or doubt. Happiness is never grand."
-Aldous Huxley

I've not written a post this long specifically for another person before, but my best friend is hurting and I need to address her. I suppose you're wondering why I didn't just email her or call her. Well, I can't talk because I'm still sick. And rather than send this email to her privately, I thought I'd share it somewhere where I could refer to it when I needed it. I surely will need to heed my own words soon enough. So, my dear....here's the reply to your blog, it's my verbal bitchslap to you. ;-)

There is an expression that says, "You can't go home again." Of course, it's not true - but it's not untrue either. You CAN go home again, but you don't go to the same home. You expect to go to the home you left (and when you visit, it very much feels that way) but you return a different person - changed from your experience, changed from your life. In your absence, life had changed at home too - so while some things never change, other things do - in ways that are so small as to seem invisible at first, but once you move back in, into your old roles, your old ways, you notice the changes. Some good, some bad. The way you respond to those changes has changed too - sometimes good, sometimes bad.

It is what it is - it's life. Time sweeps everything along.

You say you have a hard time remaining true to yourself. You are so very wrong. More than anyone I've EVER known - you remain true to yourself. The problem is in your expectations. Manage your expectations and you'll manage the outcome.

I'll never tell you that seeking the next best thing - the bigger, brighter star - is wrong, because you know as well as I do that we are the same woman in that regard. I don't think either of us have unrealistic expectations about the future, but I do think that it's fundamentally human to want more than what you currently have, to aspire to greater things - the alternative is to aspire to nothing, to be content with the status quo - and that, my dear, is a concession of failure. It's an acceptance of routine, and there is nothing acceptable about that.

So, manage your expectations. Acknowledge that is who you are and accept that. It's OK. Yes, I am envious of those who we know who are happy with the routines in life, because it's a simple and easy existence. But I also look at them and think, "Are you fucking kidding me? Are you seriously happy?" I couldn't even wait for an answer before I'd scream, "What the hell is wrong with you. Don't you have goals and dreams and aspirations?" I know I'm contradicting myself again, but you know what I mean....Yes, I'd love to be a bit more settled, but not THAT settled. Not settled to the point where it felt like I could die and not miss a thing.

In your blog you refer having once had the perfect life, the bright and shiny. Think back and remember - you didn't. Everything that was bright and shiny about it was your own creation. Your pretense, put on for the benefit of everyone else. That's when you weren't true to yourself. That's when you lied. That's why you couldn't paint. It wasn't the perfection that you are again telling yourself it was - it was the opposite. Why are you telling yourself this?

Fuck him and his new happy life. You already know exactly what that looks like. You HAD it and it wasn't good enough. It will be for him, and that's because he doesn't have the dreams and the goals and the aspirations that you do. It's OK...it's good for him to have what he wants - you are genuinely free now. You share only one thing with him now, and not for much longer. A few more years and he'll be nothing but a distant memory - a shadow sitting on your sofa playing video games. Let it go, wish him well, and say good-bye to him. Embrace the new freedom that his new life has given you - it's a real and rare gift, you just need to frame it that way in your mind.

Now, onto your identity crisis...your blend of cultures and existences is something that you feel is confusing and that other people can't relate to. That's true. Other people can't relate. But you have this expectation that no one is interested in learning about it, and that's wrong. It *IS* you. It's unusual, it's not typical - but those aspects are all part of what make you uniquely you. It's what gives your art the depth that it carries, it's what makes you different and special.

Instead of trying to deny it, or to make sense of it, just accept that you're a blend of different cultures and experiences - some wonderful, some a bit odd - and it's all part of the great big blend of amazing things that make you - you! Instead of thinking of it as something that separates you from everyone else, think of it as opportunities to educate everyone else. Very few people are as fortunate as you are to have so many cultures and experiences housed in one pretty shell - share it. Don't be afraid of it, live in it. It gives you so much more to share with so many more people. There's a world out there that you can relate to in ways that others simply can't.

Now, onto your air-chasing crisis. I think it's funny that your sister said you would never find what you are looking for here. Maybe she is right, maybe she is wrong. It's easy for her to say - look at where she's sitting. Does she want the same "happiness" for you that she has found? It would drown you in 20 minutes. Sometimes I think you feel guilty for having such a good life here, for being so far away - and that the guilt prevents you from allowing yourself to feel content here because you feel like everyone would be better off if you were home. That's a mistake. You can't fix their problems - not from across an ocean and not from the same city.

I agree with one thing, you won't find what you seek right now. But it's not because of your location or because of your culture or because of, well, anything but you. Until you dive into your life genuinely and wholly with both feet, until you're willing to be vulnerable and open to new people, until you're willing to give something of yourself to another - you won't find what you seek ANYWHERE.

You keep telling yourself that the grass is greener somewhere else. Maybe. But I think you're using that as an excuse to prevent you from being open and fully present here. I think it's a safety net that you hang onto. Let it go. There's no safety in shutting yourself off from experience.

Who am I to tell you this? Well, I'm your best friend. But, more than that, we live parallel lives. I recognize it because it's what this whole blog is about. We met when we met for a reason, and that reason is more clear to me at this moment than it's ever been. We met to share this crazy experience - for as long as we share it. We are here to slap a bit of reality into the other when the situation demands it, and now it's my turn to slap you.

It's not a big, bad scary world out to get you. You're not some fucked-up loser that can't manage her own life. You're not sentenced to a life of solitude because you're incapable of loving and being loved.

It can be a confusing world - to those who think and feel. You manage your life in a beautiful way - you do good work in all regards - at work, at home and in your art. You are capable of giving and receiving love, but you won't do it again for someone who is unworthy of all that you have to offer. That's all good.

Think over all the good things that have happened over the last year to you - it's been an amazing ride. You're learning and growing every day. You can't expect it to happen immediately and you wouldn't want it if you didn't have to fight for it anyway. Together, we've traveled amazing distances over the last year - and we're going to welcome in the next one with even better expectations, even bigger goals and secure in the knowledge that we will both achieve all that we want - because we won't quit until we do.

Be kinder to yourself. Trust that you have time to achieve all that you aspire to. Expect that it will come, and it will. Most of all remember how many people love you - for all that you are, and all that you are not. Patience, love.

All these questions, all these big thoughts...it's because you're going home. It happens to you every time you've been back since I've known you - not a depression, a conundrum. Because you miss the comforts of home, your family but you also love the life you have created all by yourself here.

The answers will come to you, I promise. In the meantime, just accept it all as part of you - because it is, and it's wonderful. I love you! :-)