Mirror

"The individual (no matter how well-meaning he might be, no matter how much strength he might have, if only he would use it) does not have the passion to rip himself away from either the coils of Reflection or the seductive ambiguities of Reflection; nor do the surroundings and times have any events or passions, but rather provide a negative setting of a habit of reflection, which plays with some illusory project only to betray him in the end with a way out: it shows him that the most clever thing to do is nothing at all." -Soren Kierkegaard

As the end of the years nears, I plan to spend some time reflecting over the past year, the goals that I laid forth for myself at the end of last year and where I've succeeded and where I've fallen short and to establish some new goals for the upcoming year. At the end of last year, I wrote myself a note. I'll dig that out for the next post, but for now, I need to think about where I was this time last year - simply the events that transpired, with as little commentary as possible (ha!).

From a career standpoint, not much has changed - same place, same time, same gig. That's good - I never intended nor hoped that aspect of life would change at all.

I was preparing for my first Christmas as a single woman, after 13 years of joint holidays. I had to spend so much money - tree, ornaments, stockings - all of it. I was freaking out about how to pay for it all, just kept whipping out the plastic trusting that it would all work out, refusing to allow my newly-single status to effect my children over the holiday. No, that's wrong - to minimize the effect.

I attended wonderful holiday parties and was having a ton of fun.

I sat at my daughter's birthday party - with my family, with my exes family, with my ex who was feeding the family presence with the "attentive husband" role he loved to play in public, with all of our friends who still wanted to see us together, her school friends parents - it was agonizing.

I watched my sullen daughter blossom that day - reveling in being the star, enjoying the attention the party provided her and knew that her life had changed. It certainly did. She has continued to blossom into a charming (albeit strong-willed) and engaging child.

My ex-husband (to whom I was still legally married) was clingy and needy and insisted on having the children for Christmas. I gave in, unwilling to fight and knowing that I'd want them more the following year. So, I worked for much of the holiday. I was sick (it's a theme for me this time of year, apparently) and spent the night on his couch Christmas Eve, while he begged me (snotty nose and all) to sleep in his bed. The thought was as repulsive to me then as it was 6 months earlier when I had left him. The thought would have been equally repulsive to him had he known my secret, and as he begged and pleaded, I toyed with the idea of telling him, just to wound him as much as he had wounded me over the years.

I spent New Year's Eve at home, on call. I did a great deal of writing. I made plans for the following year.

On New Year's Day, I went for a long, long walk on the Greenbelt - alone with my thoughts. What I remember most is the optimism I felt. I knew that the worst was behind me, that I had already done the hard work, paid the price and fought the fight. The future would be easy.

Ah, optimism.