Reflection

"I'm in a period of growth and expansion. I'm taking long, hard looks at the world and what's happening in it, analyzing and thinking. I'm trying to become acquainted with the universe -- with the part of it I occupy -- and trying to settle, for myself, what my relationship with it is." - Gene Roddenberry

My thoughts, this time last year(December 29, to be exact), were as follows:

There are periods in a life where one's life changes. Really changes. It's never as noticable as when the change occurs seemingly in the blink of an eye. I will never see life through the same eyes that I once did - as change occurs your viewpoint changes. I've spent time trying to make sense out of why things occur when they do, or why they did not occur sooner. Of course, that line of thinking is completely irrelevant. The reality is that my perspective changed a very long time ago, my consciousness is just now catching up. Something tells me it will be a bit longer before construction is complete on that bridge.

It has been so easy to deny myriad realities about myself. It's time to confess, if only to myself. Living the nomadic life that I did, my life was impossibly easy. Every time life got hard, a new move was right around the corner and with that move, I could leave the old worries behind and simply reinvent myself. I was never forced to actually deal with the arrows that were thrown at me, or the ones I threw. Such a lucky girl.

Now I find myself in a situation where I can't pack up and go (and believe me, it's time). I would love to flee this city, this life and start over somewhere new, reinventing and creating the woman that I wish to be. I can become her, but I can't do it as effortlessly as I've been able to in the past - not only will my actions be noticed now, they will be scrutinized. So it will be a slow change, moreover, it will require a tremendous amount of effort on my part. I can't pretend - I actually have to become.

I have always had a keen awareness of the world around me, and often, I've paid the price for that awareness. Teachers were none-too-pleased when I'd correct their incorrectly spelled words on the chalkboard. My parents never loved when I pointed out their hypocrisy. To have that sort of awareness turned on me forced me to tune out. I've taught myself how to be unaware - it was the only way to live in a marriage where I was so mercilessly and constantly scrutinized. I have to recall that awareness - and focus it inwards.

Fortunately, I am lucky. I have always been lucky and luck will always be on my side. I'm not sure why, but it's a fact. As a child, I used to walk by a clover patch, look down, and instantly pluck a four-leafed clover out of the cluster. It became a joke amongst my family, but more importantly, it became an expectation for me.

I cannot believe that I brought this man into my life. What was I thinking? Part of me thinks that I needed him to force me to leave a situation that became unbearable - that I met him when I did for a very specific reason. At the moment, I simply cannot afford to have him in my life. I see him in black and white, a photo negative. I have to force myself to walk away. Ironically, none of this is about him and it has never been about him.

It's an issue of self-worth. I saw myself as worthless for many years in my marriage. To discover that a man so remarkable found me worth more was heartening and flattering and tremendously revitalizing. But now that we've gotten what we needed from each other, it is time to say good-bye and to realize that the sense of worthlessness was only imposed on me in so much as I allowed it to be. It's a fact that I was told things about myself that were untrue - and I heard them for so long that I began to believe them to be true. It's time to shake that tree.

Self-image is the universal mediator of reality. As I look forward to 2008, I seek to define myself anew. As the woman I am, as the woman I intend to be. Self-awareness, self-worth, self-love. Those are the only avenues by which I will be able to grow and to accept the sort of love that I need. Only once those goals have been accomplished will I have the resources with which to love another as deeply as I intend.