Cardioversion

"At the bottom no one in life can help anyone else in life; this one experiences over and over in every conflict and every perplexity: that one is alone. That isn't as bad as it may first appear; and again it is the best thing in life that each should have everything in himself; his fate, his future, his whole expanse and world." - Rainer Maria Rilke

I'm so tired. I'm so tired of struggling, I'm so tired of fighting, I'm so tired of doing it all alone. I'm so very tired.

The new year is not off to the stellar start that I imagine, not off to the triumphant beginning I felt on New Year's Eve.

I spent NYE sick - but went out anyway because I couldn't bear the thought of being home alone on that holiday, as I was last year due to being on call. I had just started some hardcore antibiotics to beat the infection and took a bunch of cold medicine just to make it tolerable. I ended up having a really good time, and a couple of drinks.

The next morning, I felt awful, but my head was swimming more from the cold than from a hangover. I was on call that evening and got called in about 6PM for an emergency open heart. The case went well and I left the hospital at 12:30. I got home, took a shower and curled into bed - shivering. I thought that was strange, but not much else, it was a cool-ish evening. About 30 minutes later, the arrythmia started. I concluded that it was minor and the result of not eating well, not sleeping, not exercising, being sick, taking cold medicine and being stressed.

I layed in bed and tried desperately to sleep but every time I moved, the arrythmia would recur. Finally, I checked my pulse and realized that I was dropping beats at a pretty steady clip. Again, I tried to logic my way through it, but it continued to worsen. Unable to sleep, and still on call, I showered again and got dressed. I figured I'd just go sit up at the hospital - better to be there rather than home alone. After I was dressed, it was about 3AM, I got out my stethoscope and listened to my heart. The rate was very rapid, too rapid to count, and I was dropping every third beat. That scared me. Once at the hospital, the arrythmia was so bad that I couldn't catch my breath and I was definitely compounding the situation with my own anxiety.

I walked over to the ER and said to the triage nurse that I was having a "pretty decent arrythmia" she took my vitals and said that the rate was a nice, normal 80. I told her that it was not, but that the machine couldn't count it due to the dropped beats. She listened for all of 3 seconds with her stethocope, pushed me onto a stretcher and did an EKG. Sinus Tachycardia - rate of 164. That's actually good news. They draw blood, give me a couple liters of fluid and 'lytes. Doc says that my myocardium is "very volatile" - probably due to decongestants and stress and wants to sedate me to see if that alone will allow a normal rhythm to take over. Luckily for me, it works. Embarassing as shit, but it works. After I'm sedated, he asks me what the source of my stress is. I just laugh at him. But, I dream about it.

In 2008 - I ended a relationship with a man that I cared deeply about, but he still won't go away, had the first incidence of cardiac arrythmias that required extensive testing to be determine that stress was the source, suffered through my daughter's very serious accident that was terrifying and largely my fault, dealt with the ex, finalized a divorce that caused a signifcant amount of grief and more financial stress than I've ever cared to admit, trained for and completed three triathlons, became very ill with my bleeding disorder that required a fairly emergent procedure, was forced to face some truths about life that I would rather have ignored, dealt with chicken pox, head lice, dance classes, drum lessons, crazy parents (not my own), crazy parents (my own), and subsequently bought a house that I'm happy about and petrified of. Through it all, there were significant work-related stressors, significant child-related stressors, and my desperate attempts to maintain a life worth living for my children and for myself. Moreover, my mother was in France, my father in Thailand. Stress? Nah, not much.

I had to call and wake up my parents to come get me at the hospital because I couldn't drive home so sedated. They were great about it, but it was so embarassing. They asked me why I was so stressed and I just laughed. I had to fight with them to let me stay at my own apartment, I just wanted solitude. I got home around 8AM and slept until 3PM. I took a sleeping pill when I woke and slept until 10PM. I took another sleeping pill and slept until 10AM. I woke today in pain - my entire body aches. I'm not sure that it's not from laying down for so long, but I'm also not sure that all of this wasn't caused from the Levaquin - arrythmias and all. I quit taking it, it wasn't helping with the other symptoms anyway. I've only had a few minor palpitations today.

Walker called while I was in the hospital and I told him what was going on. After I got home, he came by to visit which I found incredibly touching.  I scarcely remember him being here, I was so out of it, but I do recall him saying, "God, you're so tired. I'm going to get out of here so you can rest." I wish I would have had the courage to ask him to hold me, to protect me from the invisible stress monster.

I thought I had made so many changes and so many strides. Now, I realize that so much more has to change in my life.

I don't want to whine and I know that my stressors aren't nearly as bad as some people have it. I don't have to worry about feeding my children. I don't have to deal with a chronic health issue. It's not THAT bad. But you know, I'd be lying if I said I weren't ready for the happy surprise on my doorstep, but one without a cherry bomb tied to it, OK?