Identity

"And the day came where the risk to remain tight in the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom." - Anais Nin

I find myself increasingly disillusioned by people. Ironically, I am so reserved with people that only a few are allowed the oppportunity to disillusion me, so when they do, it hurts that much more. I find it somewhat baffling and somewhat amusing that someone can say one thing, to vehemently believe that they are who they presume they are, but when push comes to shove, they waiver - without ever realizing it.

It comes down to a question of integrity - and a matter of identity. What or whom do you identify with? How will you define yourself today? Tomorrow? On your death bed?

If I sound angry, I am. Because it's fear that stops us. A fear of the unknown, a fear of failure, a fear of change and a fear of taking chances and making choices. It's ridiculous and futile and such a crying shame. Imagine how paralyzing it is - to have a world of opportunity, to say you want one thing, to find that thing (or at least the potential for that thing) and to allow all the big scary unknowns to prevent you from even exploring the potential. Can you even imagine something more absurd? Well, here's the reality - we all do it - every single day. Of course, they aren't all life-changing choices, they aren't all necessarily permanent and they aren't all irrevokable - and yet - we refuse to explore the options and settle into the safety of the known while still seeking that unknown greatness that must just be right around the corner. Fuck. It's so stupid.

I suppose it frustrates me so much because I really do know myself quite well. For all the soul-searching and ranting here, the truth is that I do know myself quite well, warts and all. Simply, I identify myself as a mother, a daughter, a friend, a nurse. Those are all parts of me, but there's more.

I'm a perfectionist that drives myself silently so hard that I end up in the ER of my own hospital in SVT. I'm a romantic that is petrified to wear her heart on her sleeve. I'm opinionated and can be very judgmental. I'm a people-pleaser that will almost always sacrifice my own happiness for someone elses, without even realizing that I have a choice. I'm logical and approach problems systematically. I'm a fast thinker and work really well in situations where I have to think on my feet. I'm a passionate, nurturing woman missing a man to nurture and love, but completely unwilling to compromise my expectations and desires to have *someone* in my life. I believe that integrity is king and truth is beauty. I like making other people feel good about themselves and boosting their self-esteem. I love laughing so hard that your stomach hurts the next day more than almost anything. I have great big major trust issues due to the way in which my husband betrayed me, and I struggle with committment issues for the same reason. I can be a serious bitch. I hate stupid people and like to make fun of some of them, especially to their face. I'm tenacious to a fault. I'm a very good mother, although an unconventional one. I genuinely believe that two of the best gifts I can give my children are good manners and an independent spirit.

There you have it - there's me - warts and all. It's time. I'm days away from my 36th birthday and I've arrived at this conclusion at long last: the risk of attempting to protect myself, to project an image of self - is too great. Love me, accept all of me - the good and the bad - because you're going to see it all now. Moreover, I'm letting go of the fear - taking chances, wearing my heart on my sleeve and living my life with royal integrity.

Fear change, fear exploration, fear taking a chance and you risk missing that diamond you seek. It isn't effortless - it may require a bit of time and faith initially, and later a bit of polishing and chipping away. Treasures are never found without taking chances, but the risks are what make it that much more precious and valuable.