Roots

"But it's no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then." - Lewis Carroll, from Alice in Wonderland

I chose the above quote with more intent than usual. I've jumped through the Looking Glass, and I'm not sure exactly when it happened, but I saw the results countless times this weekend.

Saturday morning, my children and I went out for breakfast, and had a pleasant time. Afterwards, we drove to the home site to see the progress (there is none). Finally, we headed to my parents house to spend the night. As soon as we walked into the door, I realized that I was exhausted and asked my parents if they'd watch the children while I took a nap. They were happy to do so.

My father and son took my car and got it inspected, oiled, gassed and cleaned. My stepmother and my daughter read books. I fell asleep instantly (which I never do) and had amazing dreams (which I never recall).

I dreamed of a rapidly flowing river, and a lovely home on the other side. There was a person with his arms outstretched telling me that it was safe to cross, that he'd help me. I took his hand and waded across the rushing water. I slipped and fell in and the water was warm and I began laughing. I could feel the sun on my face and looked up at the sky and said, "Thank you." I splashed and played in the water for a bit and realized that it only looked rough but that in reality it was quite calm. I watched a fish swim around my ankles. I took my time crossing to the other side, and the grass was soft and cool under my feet. I looked up at the house and smiled again.

My child woke me for dinner, so we had a nice time - my aunt and uncle joined us and it was fun and friendly and easy. After the children were in bed, I had a wonderful conversation with my parents. I'll keep the specifics private, but speaking to them openly and honestly proved something to me - the more open I am, the more honest I am, the more people respond to me. I can trust them, I can rely on them - and I'm so ready to allow myself to lean on the people around me. It's not weakness, it's security.

Today, I came home and began to clean my filthy apartment. It was a task undertaken grudgingly, but I know why. I'm not comfortable here anymore, I've grown, and I've outgrown the tiny space that was once so comforting. I'm ready to spread out, to root - I'm ready to be home.