f/stop

"Unfortunately, there can be no doubt that man is, on the whole, less good than he imagines himself or wants to be. Everyone carries a shadow, and the less it is embodied in the individual's conscious life, the blacker and darker it is. If an inferiority is conscious, one always has a chance to correct it… But if it is repressed and isolated from consciousness, it never gets corrected… No one can become conscious of the shadow without considerable moral effort. To become conscious of it involves recognizing the dark aspects of the personality as present and real. This act is the essential condition for any kind of self-knowledge." - Carl Jung

We all fancy ourselves to be a little better than we really are. We see ourselves through a soft-focus lens, that nicely blends our imperfections into a beautiful picture of who we aspire to be, more than who we are, in actuality. It's not exactly self-deception, but it's not exactly honest, either.

For example, I would like to believe that I'm a far more intellectual and creative thinker than I actually am. I would like to think that the subtleties in life do not often escape my notice. But as I grow older, I am beginning to realize that I’m not the intellect that I think I am.

It pains me to admit that my mind is a fairly black and white place. A+B=C. Almost without exception. It pains me to admit this, because the places that revel in the shades of grey are often where true beauty, mystery and discovery can occur. It's also a place I often cannot dwell.

So ultimately, I'm a pretty simple thinker. In many ways, this ability to simplify my world serves me well - it's beneficial in my career, it can be liberating and it's really useful in decision-making. In other ways, it's not as wise. I've been known to miss nuance, trap myself into less-than-perfect situations and make knee-jerk decisions that impact myself and others.

Another example of my misconceptions of self is this: I like to think that I’m blissfully independent and self-assured. That's not entirely true either. I can manage on my own, just as I always have. But I'm not all that independent. I'm happiest when I'm nurturing others and being needed makes me feel good, valuable and worthwhile. I profess the opposite quite often, but the truth is that I long to love another, be a part of "we" and to have a man in my life that I know I can wholly rely on, and to be that port in his storm as well. You have no idea how much admitting that just made my stomach churn.

For my final soul-bearing of the evening, I will tell you that I also have this misconception about the way I approach others in my life. I want to believe that I’m wholly and totally capable of giving myself to another freely and without reserve. I’m painfully frightened to do so - reluctant to give my heart, unwilling to find it shattered yet again, particularly by the monsters of my own imagination.

Admitting these things to you, and to myself, hurts me. But it's part of the process of growth I began so long ago and continue to explore. I'm not the version of myself that I want to be, but I'm examining myself, and as long as I continue to be honest with myself, I will get there.