Contradiction

"The confusion is not my invention. We cannot listen to a conversation for five minutes without being aware of the confusion. It is all around us and our only chance now is to let it in. The only chance of renovation is to open our eyes and see the mess. It is not a mess you can make sense of." - Samuel Beckett

I realize that much of what I've written lately seems contradictory. As I read back, I seem to be saying one thing in one spot and quite another in another spot. I don't think one thing is necessarily true while another necessarily untrue. And I don't think it's surprising to feel one way one moment and a bit differently another moment. It's not a contradiction, it's a fluidity of feelings, thoughts and opinions.

I'm thankful for it - it may be uniquely human - to profess one thing with certainty at one moment, then adapt to changing circumstance or information and believe another thing at another moment.

I'm growing. Most of the time, I feel like the first green sprigs of a flower pushing up out of the Earth after a cold, dark winter. Friends that have been with me since the start of that spring tell me constantly how much I've grown.

I had started to forget how cold that long winter was, looking at a future of boundless opportunity.

To explain - I was given a career opportunity that I have longed for since I entered the medical field. Most of you that know me well know that I've long wanted to go to anesthesia school. (To my coworkers that read this, please, please don't ask me about it - and please, please keep this information to yourself. I cannot talk about it because it truly, genuinely breaks my heart and I cannot answer any questions).

On a whim, I applied - to the best program in the country. Without the "required" experience, I knew my chances were limited, but it was a chance and I never listen when people tell me that I can't do something. I wanted to try. I wrote a long letter explaining my interest and I had a letter from an anesthesiologist that helped a great deal. Reading his words about me blew my mind - I couldn't believe the things he said. As I thanked him for making me look so much better on paper than I am in reality, he said, "I meant every single word of it."


I didn't tell a soul except the author of the letter, trusting that he'd harbor my secret. I never mentioned it because I knew I'd never be accepted and I just didn't want to answer the question, "Have you heard back?"

I heard back. I was accepted. I was ecstatic. I knew I'd have a hard time convincing my ex-husband to move, but the move would only be for two years. I was pregnant for two years, it's a minor time frame.

I invited him over to talk. I made him a drink, then brought up an unrelated subject that I knew he'd love to talk about. I made him another drink. He continued to ramble on and on and on about the subject that he most loved discussing - his impending musical stardom. Halfway into his third beverage, I pointed out to him that his musical career could really flourish in another city....say, perhaps...Chicago. Then I tell him why I want to move to Chicago. I offer him anything and everything I can think of, short of a reunion.

He mulls it over for some time then looks me straight in the eye and says, "No." Simply no. I beg. Literally, I beg him for this. I'm sobbing.

"You never thought about how your career change would impact my life in the first place. Then, you're hanging around with all these doctors and I'm not good enough for you anymore. So you just up and leave me. You've got everything in the world you ever wanted now. You've got your job, you've got your friends, you've got your free time and you've got your boyfriends. Now you have to live with your choices. If you want to go pursue your latest and greatest dream, you're going to have to do it without your children. Their family is here." He's smiling the whole time he's talking. He finally gets to play the trump card he's held onto for two years.

His perception of the divorce is so far from the reality of it that it would be amusing if it weren't so pathetic. His perception of my current reality is so far from the truth it would be amusing if it weren't so pathetic. But above all, I know he won't listen if I try to correct the misconceptions. He's got his reality and he needs it to accept the situation. Sadly, he knows one thing about me - that I will not leave my children behind.

I spend two weeks trying to swallow the white-hot, blinding rage I feel towards him. I tell myself that there is a reason this is happening, but I'm unable to discern that reason at the moment.

Then, something really surprising happens. I find myself considering the move. I actually consider leaving my children for two years. I tell myself that it would be OK because I'd come back to them stronger and in a completely different financial situation. I'd be able to give them every opportunity the world would allow. I could visit every weekend. The end would justify the means.

But then I realize that I am mistaken. They would feel abandoned, neglected and unwanted. The thought makes me sick, disgusted with myself, wondering what sort of mother I am to even allow my mind to explore the opportunity. Then something else happens that is so much worse. I find myself wishing that I didn't have them.

Holy shit. Can you imagine what that felt like for me? The guilt was overwhelming. I want to be known well for doing everything that I undertake well. But ultimately, the only thing that matters in the world is my children - and make no mistake, they are MY children. It's my DNA that makes their little hearts beat - you only have to look at them to see it.

The anger I feel turns to something else - a genuine dislike for myself. I distract myself with lofty thoughts of other things, but ultimately, you can't ignore a truth about yourself and that's why I needed a little breather.

So I set about cleaning my physical environment and in doing so, I find the diary that I kept as my marriage was falling apart and I curl up in my bed and read it all. I may share some parts here, I may not. But reading it was such a welcome relief.

It reminded me that the thing he always hated most about me was my unwillingness to just hum along in a humdrum existence. It reminded me that I do have hopes and dreams and aspirations and that is not only acceptable, it's the only option. So, it's OK that for a brief moment I considered leaving my children. It's OK that for an even more fleeting moment I wished I didn't have that responsibility in my life. I didn't leave them and I will not, but I'm not evil for considering it because I never want to be the person that doesn't consider possibility.

We make choices in life and some are tough pills to swallow. Sometimes letting an opportunity pass is painful, but sometimes the reasons are sound - even if they haven't been revealed to you yet.

But I still can't make myself write the declination letter.