Battlegrounds

"The easiest period in a crisis situation is actually the battle itself. The most difficult is the period of indecision - whether to fight or run away. And the most dangerous period is the aftermath. It is then, with all his resources spent and his guard down that an individual must watch out for dulled reactions and faulty judgement." - Richard Nixon

I have spent the last several days feeling incredibly introspective - my nerves made raw from some faulty decisions that I've made. Up until today, I had refused to admit that my divorce was, in fact, a battle. That's not entirely accurate. It wasn't so much that I refused to admit it, but Nixon was right - going through it was the easy part. It's behind me now, and my reactions have been dull, my judgement faulty.

I spent the day fighting battles of an altogether different nature, and it was exhausting. Later this evening, I had to spend a couple of hours with my ex-husband. He is bitter, and angry and sullen. It's not about me, and his anger has not been caused by me. It's his nature. It's who he is and who he has always been. Seeing that, then really understanding that it was never about me was a relief.

The battle IS in fact behind me. And with that realization, I let it go and set myself free. It's done. I can learn from it, promise myself to never go back and release it. Phew. That feels better. :)

Recently, I was asked to write something about violations of Human Rights. I tried to formulate a plan - create a point of view, and to do so, I began to research human rights violations online. Now, don't misunderstand - I can easily rattle off 20 subjects that move me tremendously. But I am neither smart nor compelling enough to expound on why the issues that affect my soul the most profoundly are those that everyone else should concern themselves the most with.

So I was looking for perspective for a story. A point of view. Maybe someone else's story, because, frankly I haven't been able to write anything of any substance for quite some time now.
I found someone else's story - not online, but deep in the recesses of my mind - where it had been stowed and stashed away due to the abject horror it evokes. I've spent two days writing that story, and I doubt that I'll ever share it.

It is the story of someone very close to me. It reminded me that while history does repeat itself, history is not destined or doomed to repeat itself.

It also helped me to focus in on one undeniable fact: ALL violations of human rights ultimately are a violation of the most basic human right - the right to self-determination.

When we lose the ability to take control of our own lives, when we are prevented from acting in the manner in which we must to fulfill our individual destinies, when we are disallowed from being the soul we are meant to be, that's when we are the most subjugated and the most betrayed by life.

Our repsective Gods never impose this on us, when we think they do, it is merely man behaving a fool while using God's name as a tool for his own perverse agenda. Only man can rob another man of the right to self-determination, only man can rape another's soul so violently.

It has taken me 35 years to find my voice, and I'm still learning how to use my voice. My dearest friend recently pointed out to me that I often use my voice a bit too much. I suspect that at times she is right.

But guess what? I can write again! As soon as my children are tucked in comfortably, I plan to tuck myself in with a cup of hot tea and write furiously...and if I do that until the sun comes up, I'll be a very happy woman. A woman with a voice, and the ability to share that voice whether anyone is listening or not.