Gratitude

"If the only prayer you said in your whole life was, "thank you", that would suffice."
-Meister Eckhart

I enjoyed a really wonderful Wednesday evening and Thanksgiving day with my parents. I came home Thursday night to an empty house and briefly felt sorry for myself, for being alone on a holiday. Then, I layed on the couch staring at my lovely Christmas tree, drank a cup of hot tea and read a book. Then I remembered that the solitude was my choice. I clearly could have stayed at my parents house. I could have gone to Marky Mark's house, or I could have called Shiraz. Much later, I had a several-hours-long phone conversation with one of my dearest friends.

I had an absolutely blissful day today - I slept late, I went for a run, I met Shiraz for lunch and then she and I spent the rest of the day tooling around until just a bit ago. It was fun and casual and unplanned and - perfect. I have spent the last several days reflecting on that for which I am thankful. If you'll indulge me...

I would be remiss were I not to thank the winegrowers of the Wilamette Valley for the impossibly perfect Pinot Noir that will surely fuel the majority of this post.

I am thankful for my lovely children. Even on the worst day, when I want nothing more than to scream and cry and pull my hair out, their smiles and their laughter make life brighter. On the days when I want to scream and cry and pull THEIR hair out, their chubby little starfish hands wrapped around my neck and their sloppy kisses on my cheek, instantly make all their minor sins forgivable. They are truly the reason that I do everything that I do, and I'm thankful that I will have that impetus for the rest of my life. They truly are two little beacons guiding me with their glittering light.

I am thankful for my family. It is beyond wonderful to have two parents that I have a close and genuine relationship with. My relationship with each of them is completely different, but very honest and real. It is such a supreme joy to get to know each of them in adulthood - I am no longer their "little girl" (although in many ways I always will be), I am their adult daughter and we share a close and special bond. I am also fortunate to have two step-parents that are kind and warm people, who have brought additional relationships into my life, for which I am richer.

I am thankful for my friends. It is such a reward and a genuine pleasure to have very sincere and real relationships with so many warm and wonderful people. My two best girlfriends, Shiraz and Ebird, enrich my life in ways that I'll never be able to adequately express. They know me intimately and deeply. With them, I am vulnerable in a way that I never thought possible. Female friendships were something I did not cultivate while I was married, to my personal detriment. The richness these two bring to my life is something I will never lose again.

Then, there's Po. My evil twin. To think how close I came to not bringing him into my life is strange. With him, it's easy and free and insane - and I love every second. With the exception of Ebird, these relationships have all formed in the years since my divorce and it's astounding to think of the value of them garnered in such a short period of time. I genuinely love you all for all that you bring to my life.

I am thankful for my body. For all the abuse it's suffered at my own hands - it's hanging in there pretty well. I recently found my wedding dress and was pleasantly surprised to discover that despite the passage of 14.5 years and the delivery of two big-ass babies, it still fits! I've recently started training for triathlon again - this season, I'm going to be far more competitive. I missed the groans and moans about the aches and pains - they make me feel alive, they remind me that I CAN use my body, that I can in fact, abuse my body - and it only makes it stronger.

I am thankful for my education and my career. I did it alone. I fought for it every second of every day - at home, at school and in clinicals. It was all a giant battle. BUT, it was worth every second. I did it without student loans. I did it for myself and my children. I did it to secure a future for them that was free of worry. And you know what? I'm now in a place where I am able, as a single mother of two young children, to purchase a home that I thought I'd never be able to afford. The best part is, I help people every single day of my life. Think about that for a second, please. I'm an almost 36-year-old single mother of two young children, working in a field I entered largely because I wanted to make a difference in the lives of complete strangers. I've accomplished that, I adore it, it makes me feel like a superhero some days - AND, it's giving me the good fortune to buy a home for my children that exceeds my wildest dreams. It's astounding to me, really. No really. Think about it. Those of you in my field know exactly what I'm talking about ... it's crazy that we get paid for this shit. Then, in other ways, it's crazy that we only get paid what we do for this shit! :-D Wouldn't trade it for the salary I used to have...I love it.

I absolutely cannot wait until Christmas morning. My children aren't going to be getting many gifts from me this year - due to the house but also due to the fact that they don't need much - and the other people in their lives will be giving them multitudes. These children want for nothing.

On Christmas morning, I'm going to take them to the house, which will maybe be a slab, or maybe a frame - and gift them with a future of stability, predictability and permanence. All things my nomadic mother never provided to me, but that I think may be very important to a child. I don't know - it scares the hell out of me! ;-) I'd just as soon buy a sailboat, pack them onboard and spend our lives sailing the oceans. But, it's not about me and I am so thankful that I can give this to them.

I am thankful for my courage. My ex-husband used to equate me to Piglet in the Winnie the Pooh series. He told me often that I was afraid of everything. Ironically, it turns out that I'm not afraid of much at all. I was afraid of the stagnation in our relationship. I was afraid...of him, and of our future being not at all different than the past had been.

Ultimately, however, I wasn't afraid to leave the safety and security of my beautiful house that I had poured my heart and soul into to become an apartment-dwelling single mother of two young children. I wasn't so afraid that I told the lawyer that I didn't want child support - I just wanted out. I had the courage to realize that I was young enough and vibrant enough to need more in my life. It took many years to dig deep enough to find the courage, but now, it's unstoppable. I'm not afraid of much of anything. I love my life, and I plan to live my life.

I am thankful for music. Silly? No...I love it. It motivates me when I exercise. It pleases me when I clean. It soothes me when I need soothing. It makes me shake my ass when that's the only option.

I am thankful for the annoying kittens. They irritate me beyond all recognition, then they crack me up. My legs are scratched to shit from them. I'm annoyed when the girl wakes me up licking my nose...but they are adorable and they really do delight me. More importantly, they delight my children who carry them around like babies when they aren't tossing them like footballs. It's all good.

I am thankful for laughter. There is not much in the world that I love as much as I love laughing. And not just those big, genuine belly laughs where you think you seriously might stop breathing. Those are amazing. But I also love the fliratious giggles. The sarcastic guffaws. The timid chuckles. All of it - yes, please. I'll be laughing all the way to hell.

So, thank YOU. Is my life perfection? Probably as close as I could ask for, and definitely as close as I'd ever dream to ask for. This is truly a charmed existence.