Revolution

"Our defects, our dangerous depths, our surpressed hatreds, our moments of weakness and desperation - all are unimportant. If what we want to do is heal ourselves first, so that we can go in search of our dreams, we will never reach paradise. If, on the other hand, we accept all that is wrong about us - and despite it, believe that we are deserving of a happy life - then we will have thrown open an immense window that will allow Love to enter. Little by little, our defects will disappear, because one who is happy can look at the world only with love - the force that regenerates everything that exists in the Universe." - Paulo Coehlo

For several days now, I've been trying to express what has been swirling around in my brain to no avail. It is difficult to express what truly represents a colossal shift in my own thinking - which in itself is an admission of my own shortcomings.

It's time: I acknowledge long-held fallacies and fantasies. More importantly, I forgive myself for my misguided thinking.

It shames me to admit that secretly and not-so, I've long expected what most women expect, consciously or not - the strong yet nurturing man to come riding up on his noble steed, sweep me off my feet and live happily ever after. Shhh...don't tell anyone. My reputation as ultimate alpha-chick will be ruined.

Of course, this isn't a logical thought process, and it's highly oversimplified, but at the core, it's true. That's what I want. Or rather, that's what I thought I wanted. But over the last week, a lightbulb that lay dormant in my psyche sort of crackled back on: I began to realize that it's completely ridiculous.

I wanted it because I was so very alone, so left to my own devices for so long that it was a sort of natural desire. Natural in the way that you still want your mother to pat your head and spoon feed you chicken noodle soup when you're unwell. Alas, Mommy no longer comes running at the first sniffle - it's completely unrealistic. Idealistic. Pathetic.

One person can't possibly be expected to fulfill all the needs of another. It's shameful to expect, or even hope, for that to be true. No, we are a social species and as such, we need multiple avenues for support, fulfillment, pleasure and delight in our lives. I'm sure you're laughing at this. I understand why. My logical brain would have been able to spout this out to you a month ago. My emotional (functional?) brain is finally onboard.

The good news is that we can have it all - we just have to broaden the net and let those willing to support us into our lives enough to do so. My New Year's resolution was to let people in. To be vulnerable, to take more chances emotionally. Much to my surprise and delight, it's been working - and well at that!

I no longer look at every man for his "forever" potential, I'm content to see them in the here and now. I no longer expect every woman I encounter to "get me" - I see them as people that I might actually enjoy getting to know a bit.

The result - I've met some really wonderful people (and a couple of douchebags, but they are easy enough to eradicate). I've made friends with some women that I thought I'd not like at all - and it turns out that they are intelligent and charming - and great fun to be around. No, I'll never relate to them on the level of my closest friends, but that isn't their role. Their role is to enjoy, and in the process, maybe learn a bit about myself.

A lover can't fulfill the needs that a best friend can. A best friend can't fulfill the needs that a parent can. A parent can't fulfill the needs that a child can. A child can't fulfill the needs that a lover can. They all have immeasurable worth and necessity in life.

When I left my husband, one of the things I complained about was how isolated we had become, how we had created a life where it was, largely, just the two of us. How stupid was I to sort of seek that same sort of (unhealthy) unity. Again, it certainly wasn't a conscious seeking, it was just a subconscious clinging to familiarity. Wow.

Someone recently said to me, "You know, Amanda, you've got such simple desires but they are burdened by a complex mind." Of course, I laughed. I was laughing because this person has spent a great deal of time psychoanalyzing me (unbeknowst to me) but also because he was correct.

The desires, well, they are simple, even banal. But they are complicated by my mind - which is at times overly critical, at times too logical, at times too emotional and at other times - too adrift.  But it doesn't matter, because it is what it is.

I wanted to tell him that I was simply happy to be in the presence of a man that wasn't afraid to speak his mind, but I failed to take the opportunity.

Today, I had breakfast with one of our docs. He and I share a close mutual friend and we also share a similar personal history. He asked if I was dating and I told him that I was, but only casually. I told him that it was difficult for me. Without being asked, he offered me the following:

Amanda, it's going to be hard for you, just like it's hard for me. You come across as unapproachable, but that's not who you are, it's who you have been forced into being. Nonetheless, many men won't be able to handle that. Every day, you have to make split second decisions that alter the course of a life forever. And you have to be right. People expect it and it comes across as arrogance. It's not arrogance, it's the burden of what we do. You have to be right. One day, you'll find the man that can accept you and when you do, he's going to realize instantly just how special you are.  He'll fight for you and he won't dare let you go.  Just don't settle for some dumb fuck before you meet him.  I promise you don't have a thing in the world to worry about.

The awesome thing about both of the conversations that I've just shared is that they wouldn't have happened were it not for my "open" resolution, and through both of them, I learned much about myself, and about both people. It's wonderful, this openness, having conversations like this with people that are, essentially, strangers.  Now, it's still a challenge for me and it's not going to be an overnight process.

Was it a resolution, or a revolution? Yes, I know the answer.

And it delights me.