Islands

"The person you consider ignorant and insignificant is the one who came from God, that he might learn bliss from grief and knowledge from gloom." - Khalil Gibran

Halloween is all about pretense, and in many ways, it's a welcome release for all of us: pretend you are someone completely different than who you are. I have always hated Halloween, largely for that reason. But this year, I had a great costume idea, Po executed part of it fabulously, the rest came together for $10 at Goodwill 15 minutes before I had to get ready to leave for the events of the evening.

The party that I attended was just exactly what I needed - a fun, smart and interesting group of people. We all drank far too much, then headed down to 6th Street to see the mayhem. As long as I've lived in Austin, I've never done the Halloween on 6th thing and I'm glad I did - although I can say with certainty that I won't do it again. I get nervous and edgy in crowds like that, especially these days.

At the party, I had a very interesting conversation with a man about my career. That chat will be a separate post, maybe tomorrow. It changed a lot of my perspective about what I really do. No, that's not right. It didn't change anything; it put a finer point on it.

My costume was the character Lee from the movie Secretary with James Spader and Maggie Gyllenhall. I wore a fluffy white blouse, a long pencil skirt and Po made me the little bondage contraption that rounded out the movie. I've always loved the movie, and when people would say, "But it's so twisted!", I'd say, "Yes, but it's a love story." I found it to be funny, incredibly sexual and ultimately, the story of two people finding what they need in another.

I was excited to be in the costume, excited to see the reaction of others, certain that while I'd be vulnerable with my hands bound and a collar around my neck that I would be safe with my friends and that Roo, my James Spader for the night, would protect me. But in reality, being bound, being that vulnerable even around people that I have a great deal of trust in, was very unnatural for me. In fact, the costume lasted long enough for a photo session for posterity, then came off. I did not enjoy being that physically vulnerable at all. Submission is not my way.

I didn't get home until the very wee hours of the morning and after soccer and retrieving my vehicle, I came back home and fell asleep - all day long. I had strange dreams. I was interrupted often by my phone. I was a bit introspective from the curious reaction I had to my costume.

We all have an image of ourselves that we identify with, and as previously posted, I think we all like to think we're a little bit better than we are. In some ways. In other ways, I think we all tend to sell ourselves a little bit short. It's the self-deprecating humor. It's the way we internally berate ourselves when we do something bone-headed. It's the way we kick our toes in the sand when someone genuinely compliments us and shrug our shoulders as if to say, "Awww....shucks."

It's just another one of those contradictions in life: We can tell someone all of our good qualities, and ignore the bad as we "sell" ourselves and yet when someone genuinely recognizes a good quality in us that we have either accepted as a given or have yet to accept at all, we tend to downplay it.

The way we identify ourselves is dependent on our own sense of worth, vigor and esteem, but it's also larger than that. Our opinion of self is forged largely by the influence of others and the way they respond to us.

It begins with our parents, spreads to other relatives, shifts at some point to our grade school friends and ultimately to our colleagues and employers, lovers and partners, friends and foe. Moreover, it's rooted in our societal and personal cultures and the opportunities that the world either provides us or denies us. The way we see ourselves is not something that we create in isolation.

I recently wrote to my pilot that I've always felt like an island, waiting for some great tidal wave to wash over me and nourish my soul. It's true - I've always felt like such a solitary creature. I certainly have my moments of needing and desiring solitude, but I'm not a lone wolf at all, I'm a pack animal.

Nothing happens in isolation. You can think it does, and you can think that you control your life and your destiny, but you do not. At best, you can only control half of it. Each and every person that you come into contact with has an impact on you in some way. You can control your actions, and your mind as much as you'd like - but it won't change much at all because each and every influential person that you meet is forging their own path.

The lives and actions and feelings of others do impact us to a remarkable extent, and you can't control them. No, I cannot be submissive - it's a terrifying place for me, I learned last night. But, I am going to have to make myself more vulnerable to others so that I can accept their influence on my life. We are all on a fabulous journey and many of the travelers I'll encounter are wonderful people that can enhance my life in ways I can't even imagine or possibly know - yet. I'll embrace their presence in my life because I need them - for reasons both mundane and personal. I'm not an island.