“I’ve met you at precisely the wrong moment.” She said to the man in front of her. “Because now I have to be completely honest with you, and to tell you the things I would prefer not to tell." She placed her hand on his cheek and smiled at him, her pillow-lips gently twisted, slightly smiling.
He smiled back at her, thinking to himself that she was beautiful when she looked at him that way. They hadn’t known each other very long, but he recognized the expression - she was lost in thought and would come back to him when she was ready. He couldn’t push the conversation along, he merely had to wait for her to reveal herself to him.
“I don’t want anything from you except honesty.” He said sincerely.
She laughed out loud then, and stroked his face, tenderly. Already, he was accustomed to this gesture from her, and he leaned his cheek into her hand, her long, thin fingers caressing his face. Her eyes closed and he simply sat watching her. Opening her eyes, she stared at him intently.
He was remarkable, this man with the pixie eyes and soulful face. His mind was meticulous and calculating, yet philosophical and dreamy. She didn’t think she had ever known anyone quite like him.
Even though they had only recently met, she found something comfortable in him. It seemed as if he knew her in the ways that come only from years of intimacy, as if their souls had longed for each other for a lifetime. He seemed to sense when her mind was adrift and he'd play to her romanticism. Conversely, he’d recognize when she was feeling playful and happily acted the clown - always to her delight, eliciting girlish giggles and an atypical shyness. She loved him, of that she was certain. In a way that was pure, and full of light - nothing she had ever known before.
Conversely, she instinctively knew that for all of the command and control he exerted over his life, he needed to be nurtured. She provided him with the sense of security and reliability he had long dreamed of, but never found. Without intention, she was the shelter in his storm, a strong woman capable of standing next to him, supporting him and nurturing him.
His competence and intelligence brought out the best in her, which was why she always caressed his face in that manner - tenderly, an almost maternal embrace. She wanted to protect him from the world, to prevent the lines that creased his face, betraying his age, from deepening. She patted his cheek with a bit more vigor than either of them could have expected and he recoiled.
The world had conspired to show her a path unlike any she had traveled before. She had spent a lifetime manipulating those around her to fulfill her needs, to give her what she thought she was missing. As one might expect, she was usually successful in accomplishing her goals. But she failed herself, each act an anathema to the natural laws of the world. She had promised herself that she would follow a new path, a journey to her soul. Truth. No matter what the cost.
Letting her hand fall from his cheek, she turned to him, drawn back to the present, and ready to present the truth to this man. She feared it would mean losing him, a thought that saddened her, because there was a part of her that had already started to fall in love.
Conversely, she instinctively knew that for all of the command and control he exerted over his life, he needed to be nurtured. She provided him with the sense of security and reliability he had long dreamed of, but never found. Without intention, she was the shelter in his storm, a strong woman capable of standing next to him, supporting him and nurturing him.
His competence and intelligence brought out the best in her, which was why she always caressed his face in that manner - tenderly, an almost maternal embrace. She wanted to protect him from the world, to prevent the lines that creased his face, betraying his age, from deepening. She patted his cheek with a bit more vigor than either of them could have expected and he recoiled.
The world had conspired to show her a path unlike any she had traveled before. She had spent a lifetime manipulating those around her to fulfill her needs, to give her what she thought she was missing. As one might expect, she was usually successful in accomplishing her goals. But she failed herself, each act an anathema to the natural laws of the world. She had promised herself that she would follow a new path, a journey to her soul. Truth. No matter what the cost.
Letting her hand fall from his cheek, she turned to him, drawn back to the present, and ready to present the truth to this man. She feared it would mean losing him, a thought that saddened her, because there was a part of her that had already started to fall in love.
There was a light in his eyes. She noticed it the first time they met, and tried to ignore it. On their second meeting, the light spoke to her, wrapped around her heart and held tightly. With conviction and firm intent, she pushed it out of her mind. This man, he just knew. He knew her faults and failings, strengths and triumphs, pitfalls and panaceas - he knew it all - without her having to ask for anything.
As a rule, the relationships she had chosen left her feeling nothing. Parts of her were certain no one would ever be able to live up to her expectations, another part held tightly onto the dream that there was a man, somewhere in the world, whose mere presence would result in unfettered delight.
She told herself that she was a modern woman. Confident and competent. Independent and identified. Comfortable in control of every aspect of her life, down to the millisecond.
Nevertheless, the one thing she sought remained elusive. She longed to love another with the capacity she knew she was capable of. She dreamed of an honest love - built on mutual respect and trust - where both parties supported and encouraged the other to be better than each were individually, where both were free to grow and explore, knowing that a safe haven was never farther away than their front door. She dreamed of laughter. She dreamed of an intense sexuality. She dreamed of the ease that she thought must only come along once.
This vision had been implanted into her mind at a very young age. At times, it would leave her conscious mind and drift into the recesses, buried under high school proms, athletic victories and friendships gone and forgotten. It was during these times of regression that she would, on rare occasion, allow another man into her life, embarking on journeys down the path of folly.
Like fires that burned too brightly, the desire would quickly extinguish itself. The pile of ash that was left served as a stark reminder of what she had known all along, but simply forgotten. To deny one’s soul, one’s eternal Truths, for any cause created a deafening silence that could only be ignored for a short time. Then, the hands of the Universe would step in, and bitch-slap you back to reality.
“I doubt that anything you are going to tell me will be nearly as harsh as this anticipation.” His voice had taken on a commanding quality and she laughed. She could clearly envision him in his chosen profession, always in control. She loved that about him, she respected him for it.
He extended his hands to her, his palms facing the heavens. She placed her hands in his and was surprised at the strength they contained as they enveloped hers. With this man, she felt at ease, she felt at home.
As a rule, the relationships she had chosen left her feeling nothing. Parts of her were certain no one would ever be able to live up to her expectations, another part held tightly onto the dream that there was a man, somewhere in the world, whose mere presence would result in unfettered delight.
She told herself that she was a modern woman. Confident and competent. Independent and identified. Comfortable in control of every aspect of her life, down to the millisecond.
Nevertheless, the one thing she sought remained elusive. She longed to love another with the capacity she knew she was capable of. She dreamed of an honest love - built on mutual respect and trust - where both parties supported and encouraged the other to be better than each were individually, where both were free to grow and explore, knowing that a safe haven was never farther away than their front door. She dreamed of laughter. She dreamed of an intense sexuality. She dreamed of the ease that she thought must only come along once.
This vision had been implanted into her mind at a very young age. At times, it would leave her conscious mind and drift into the recesses, buried under high school proms, athletic victories and friendships gone and forgotten. It was during these times of regression that she would, on rare occasion, allow another man into her life, embarking on journeys down the path of folly.
Like fires that burned too brightly, the desire would quickly extinguish itself. The pile of ash that was left served as a stark reminder of what she had known all along, but simply forgotten. To deny one’s soul, one’s eternal Truths, for any cause created a deafening silence that could only be ignored for a short time. Then, the hands of the Universe would step in, and bitch-slap you back to reality.
“I doubt that anything you are going to tell me will be nearly as harsh as this anticipation.” His voice had taken on a commanding quality and she laughed. She could clearly envision him in his chosen profession, always in control. She loved that about him, she respected him for it.
He extended his hands to her, his palms facing the heavens. She placed her hands in his and was surprised at the strength they contained as they enveloped hers. With this man, she felt at ease, she felt at home.
And now she sat before him, afraid to tell him about her failures, afraid to confess the parasite, afraid to lose him after just meeting him.
“Yes. I’m sorry. I’ve promised myself honesty and integrity and yet I find it so hard to share this with you.” He nodded at her to continue, his head turned to the side and she thought he looked like a curious puppy waiting for a treat.
“My soul is hungry. I have spent a lifetime seeking love. Not just any love, The Love. I have to believe that it exists. I‘m beginning to lose hope." She had hoped that the confession would relieve some of the pain. It didn’t.
“So, you’re looking for your Soul Mate?” He asked. His voice sounded sincere, but the corners of his eyes wrinkled in a smile, his amusement barely concealed. His teasing wounded her. Normally, she loved his teasing - but at this moment, it stung a bit more. She was confessing her soul.
“I didn’t think you’d understand.” She said, resignation obvious in her tone. She withdrew her hands from his and leaned away from him. He stood and walked around to her, sitting close. With one rapid movement, he pulled her tight against him and onto his lap.
“Come here, babe. You don't have to do this alone.” In an instant, she realized that he clearly did understand. He continued to speak, his voice gentle in her ear, “We are all fractured from life. Some falls hurt more than others. While life brings exquisite joys to us each day, they are not as meaningful as they would be if we had The One to share them with. You think your search is yours alone, it isn’t.”
He kissed her forehead and pulled her closer still against him. She breathed in his scent which was comforting and already familiar. She wondered if it was a scent she had known since birth, but quickly pushed the thought out of her mind.
“You do not know me.” She said.
“Then tell me. I can’t know you if you don’t let me.” He nodded at her to continue, his arms wrapped around her like a favorite childhood blanket, his mouth in her hair. She couldn’t see his face, but had she, she would have noticed that he was breathing in her scent, wondering too if it had been known to him since birth.
She inhaled deeply and began to speak. “When I am with you, the world is right. I am happy. I want to trust you, to believe the things you say to me, but I’m afraid. I know people think that I’m not afraid of anything. That I’m as solid the Earth we all stand on. But truthfully, my heart is quite soft and I’m afraid of having it broken. I‘m afraid that you‘re a danger to me.”
“That’s all very interesting. Do you think I haven‘t noticed these things about you? It‘s part of your beauty.” He said.
“What do you mean?” She asked, genuinely curious.
“Maybe your fear is preparing you for something bigger than you’ve known before.” He said.
Her head was still firmly planted against his chest and she allowed her hands to stroke his chest. She listened to the cadence of his breathing, hearing a pause before he spoke again, “The storm before the calm.”
She was amused at the way he turned the cliché around and wondered if he realized he had done so or if it was accidental. Either way, she found him charming and wondered how such a boyish head could contain such a wise mind.
“But I haven’t told you everything yet. I’ve done terrible things in my life. I’ve hurt people badly.” She confessed.
“I don’t need to hear every scar you’ve caused others. We’ve all made bad choices and we’ve all hurt other people. Sometimes, it is our own impotence that causes pain, sometimes it is a conscious act. Either way, it’s part of life. We hurt others, we get hurt."
“Yes. I’m sorry. I’ve promised myself honesty and integrity and yet I find it so hard to share this with you.” He nodded at her to continue, his head turned to the side and she thought he looked like a curious puppy waiting for a treat.
“My soul is hungry. I have spent a lifetime seeking love. Not just any love, The Love. I have to believe that it exists. I‘m beginning to lose hope." She had hoped that the confession would relieve some of the pain. It didn’t.
“So, you’re looking for your Soul Mate?” He asked. His voice sounded sincere, but the corners of his eyes wrinkled in a smile, his amusement barely concealed. His teasing wounded her. Normally, she loved his teasing - but at this moment, it stung a bit more. She was confessing her soul.
“I didn’t think you’d understand.” She said, resignation obvious in her tone. She withdrew her hands from his and leaned away from him. He stood and walked around to her, sitting close. With one rapid movement, he pulled her tight against him and onto his lap.
“Come here, babe. You don't have to do this alone.” In an instant, she realized that he clearly did understand. He continued to speak, his voice gentle in her ear, “We are all fractured from life. Some falls hurt more than others. While life brings exquisite joys to us each day, they are not as meaningful as they would be if we had The One to share them with. You think your search is yours alone, it isn’t.”
He kissed her forehead and pulled her closer still against him. She breathed in his scent which was comforting and already familiar. She wondered if it was a scent she had known since birth, but quickly pushed the thought out of her mind.
“You do not know me.” She said.
“Then tell me. I can’t know you if you don’t let me.” He nodded at her to continue, his arms wrapped around her like a favorite childhood blanket, his mouth in her hair. She couldn’t see his face, but had she, she would have noticed that he was breathing in her scent, wondering too if it had been known to him since birth.
She inhaled deeply and began to speak. “When I am with you, the world is right. I am happy. I want to trust you, to believe the things you say to me, but I’m afraid. I know people think that I’m not afraid of anything. That I’m as solid the Earth we all stand on. But truthfully, my heart is quite soft and I’m afraid of having it broken. I‘m afraid that you‘re a danger to me.”
“That’s all very interesting. Do you think I haven‘t noticed these things about you? It‘s part of your beauty.” He said.
“What do you mean?” She asked, genuinely curious.
“Maybe your fear is preparing you for something bigger than you’ve known before.” He said.
Her head was still firmly planted against his chest and she allowed her hands to stroke his chest. She listened to the cadence of his breathing, hearing a pause before he spoke again, “The storm before the calm.”
She was amused at the way he turned the cliché around and wondered if he realized he had done so or if it was accidental. Either way, she found him charming and wondered how such a boyish head could contain such a wise mind.
“But I haven’t told you everything yet. I’ve done terrible things in my life. I’ve hurt people badly.” She confessed.
“I don’t need to hear every scar you’ve caused others. We’ve all made bad choices and we’ve all hurt other people. Sometimes, it is our own impotence that causes pain, sometimes it is a conscious act. Either way, it’s part of life. We hurt others, we get hurt."
She nodded, her head still tucked into his shoulder. He didn't understand the hurt she had caused others. He couldn't possibly understand how wretched it was to leave a good person, the father of her children, for an uncertain future. He couldn't possibly understand the guilt she carried for believing that she would find a love that would justify her wretchedness.
Tucking her hair behind her ear he spoke again, “I see how much you have to give. I see it in the way you always caress my cheek. I see it in the way you listen when I speak. I see it in your eyes every time you look at me. You are very hard on yourself."
Tucking her hair behind her ear he spoke again, “I see how much you have to give. I see it in the way you always caress my cheek. I see it in the way you listen when I speak. I see it in your eyes every time you look at me. You are very hard on yourself."
He lifted her chin and stared deeply into her eyes. She saw that special light dancing in his eyes and giggled up at him.
“Is it really different with us, or am I imagining things?” She asked him.
Her head fell back against his chest, a warmth emanating from his body and transferring to hers. As she breathed in time with him, she waited for his response. She lifted her face to his and tried to memorize each of his features. She realized then that she didn't need to study him, she knew him - as he knew her.
He dropped his mouth to meet hers and kissed her tenderly. She opened her mouth to his, eager to taste him. She felt his hand slide around her waist and land on her hip, the place she most loved to be touched, the place no man ever seemed to find.
His mouth met hers, his lips enveloping hers in a soft kiss. She felt her body melt against his, against her natural impulse to retreat. In that kiss, she found much more than the answer to her question - she found her salvation.
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